Break Out of the Box : Enneagram Type 2 – Self Awareness Fosters Self Care

This series is dedicated to illustrate and explore every day human communications.  It is my desire that reading the breakthrough experiences of others, it will present an insight or opening in how you can create conscious communications with everyone in your life.

In my work with my clients who have the Enneagram Structure 2: The Giver….  This type instinctively and intuitively knows what another person is in need of, before the other person does, and will offer a plethora of advice and suggestions ranging from the perfect remedy, self-help book or workshop, the best hair dresser, or fitness instructor.  Twos are easy to talk to as they will make them feel at ease, allowing others to express their deepest concerns to them.   The love and concern they feel—and the genuine good they do—warms their hearts and makes them feel worthwhile. Because their complete attention is on the needs of others, often their own needs go into the background and become unfulfilled.  The challenge for Twos is to know what their needs are by consciously practicing self care and to learn to be comfortable and confidence when they communicate their need to others.

How can a Two begin to know what their own needs are when their whole life has been in knowing everyone else’s needs and spending all their time and energy on fulfilling those needs for others?

First, become aware when you feel overwhelmed, feeling like you are doing everything yourself.   If you have a family, it gives you great joy and satisfaction to care for your family.  Yet, when you have taken on the bulk of the family responsibilities, out of feeling it is your duty, it was expected, or this is how you will be valued and loved, to the point of exhaustion, this is out of balance to your well being.  It is easy to become resentful and angry when no one is stepping up to offer help or assistance.  Yet, why would anyone?  You have essentially trained them that you can and want to do everything.

A young mother expressed that after a full day’s work she would come home to start dinner, serve it to her 10 year old son and husband, then spend the next hour or more unloading the dishwasher from the previous night, reloading with the dirty dishes, and cleaning the kitchen.  Then there was the laundry and preparing the family for bed and the following day.  This went on day after day, slowly, without even noticing it, doing these tasks for her family were no longer pleasant, and as a result, she was no longer present for her family.  Her emotions, those of feeling unappreciated and underlying resentment, was her experience, instead of the love and fulfillment in caring for her family, and not being able to fully enjoy the time with them.

As in any situation where we find that emotions have taken hostage of our present moment, the first and most important action is to begin to be aware of the thoughts that are fueling the emotions we are having throughout the day.

Self Awareness

In this example, the young mother realized that her behavior of always giving was creating disharmony in her relationships and communications with her son and husband.  She saw how it was creating disappointment and resentment.  We discussed some ways she could ease being overwhelmed by ASKING for what she needed.

A week later, when we spoke again, she had a big smile on her face as she shared how she asked her son to help her prepare the meal with her and they had a great time doing it together.  The double bonus being her son is learning the basics of meal preparation !  She asked for help with clean up and with folding and putting away of the laundry.   Now, instead of doing it all herself, she showed her son how to fold some of the easy pieces and how to properly hang and put them away.

Self Care

This next part of the self-care process for a Two is critically important.

The mother had freed up one-two hours each evening because she asked for help.  Normally, this time would be filled up with another item on the long list of things to do for others.  Yes, we were ready!  Earlier, I had the mother write down her 15 most favorite things to do.  This ranged from watching a favorite Netflix show, to reading a magazine, to spending the afternoon with a girlfriend.

• Make a list of your favorite things and purposely doing one each day.  Doing no other tasks.  This time is solely dedicated for your enjoyment.  Claim this time is just for you and enjoy it! Lavishly, decadently.  No feeling guilty that you should be doing something else and you must be ready to tell your little voice to go take a hike!  Because it will.

More Tips for the Giver

• Put a schedule in place to complete the tasks you have a commitment to, and include something each day for the things that you enjoy and nurture you.
• Learn to listen to your own inner guidance to help identify what your needs are.
• Begin to sense what is the best decision for you, and doing it.
• Twos can deprive others of giving…  It is rewarding for us to have a receiver…  Learn to accept the compliment, the gift, the offer to help.

How to Best Support the Giver in Your Life

• Encourage the Two to learn self-appreciation separate from giving and to claim his/her own voice.
• Help them to develop, integrate, and own his/her own true, separate-self and overcome the addiction to meeting the needs of important others as a way to be accepted and loved.
• Avoid becoming the wonderment and being seduced by the Twos giving.
• Stay constant and provide steadiness, paying attention to the Twos real needs.
• The Two will need the help of others to keep asking what it is they need, AND to give them the time to answer.  This is new stuff for a Two, and they might need time to understand what is going on with them.
• When all else fails, ask them what they need – when all else fails, ask them what they need.

Remember, the practice for the Giver is to get in touch with your needs, your health and happiness, for balance and to develop your own sense of value through self-nurturing and self-care.